A woman takes a shortcut down a dark alley in Metropolis. Suddenly, she is set upon by a mugger.
MUGGER: Give me all your money and purses, lady!
WOMAN: Oh no! Who knew there’d be a mugger down this dark alley?!
MUGGER: Chop chop, sister, I ain’t got all day!
The mugger brandishes a knife, menacingly.
WOMAN: Oh, stop brandishing, you menacing man! Here, take it all!
She hands him her purse.
MUGGER: Yeah, that’s right. Now how about that necklace?
WOMAN: No, not my mother’s pearls!
MUGGER: Shut up! You give me those pearls right now–
The mugger is interrupted by a flash of blue and red, and quicker than the woman can blink, she sees her assailant suspended upside down in their air, Superman holding his ankle in one hand, her purse in the other.
WOMAN: Thank you, Superman! You’re my hero!
SUPERMAN: All in a day’s work, ma’am. I’ll take this crook away to be locked up! Stay out of these dark alleys, and get home safe!
Superman hands her back her purse, and flies off.
WOMAN: You don’t think I could get a ride– Oh, no, ok. I’ll just walk home alone in an area of town I was just mugged in. Thanks.
Superman flies through the air with the criminal trailing behind him.
SUPERMAN: You should know, villain, that crime doesn’t pay! A few years in a jail cell ought to get that through your–
Superman is interrupted by a cry of distress across the city.
DISTRESSED CRY: NO! STAY BACK! DON’T SHOOT ME!
SUPERMAN: Great Scott! I’ve got to hurry!
Superman arrives at the docks just in time to stop three mobsters from shooting an HONEST DOCK WORKER.
HONEST DOCK WORKER: Thanks, Superman!
SUPERMAN: No problem, son! Let me round these hooligans up and get them off to jail!
Superman grabs a length of rope from a nearby shack and ties up the mobsters and the mugger, then flies away.
SUPERMAN: You boys should know, crime doesn’t pay! A few years in–
Superman is interrupted by another call for help.
METROPOLAN: HELP! TIMMY’S DROWNING!
SUPERMAN: Egads! I’m on my way!
Superman arrives at the flooded abandoned quarry where a boy is drowning. He saves him and puts him down on the shore, where his friend waits.
SUPERMAN: Now, boys, you should know not to play in abandoned quarries–
Superman hears yet another cry.
YET ANOTHER CRY: The school bus’s brakes have been cut!
SUPERMAN: –Without adult supervision... Well, shoot, I’ve got to run, but don’t let me catch you doing-
And yet even another cry.
YET EVEN ANOTHER CRY: Freeze, coppers! I’m robbing this bank, see!
SUPERMAN: –Ever again ok crap I’ve really got to run.
Five minutes later, Superman flies through the air with the mugger, mobsters, and bank robber tied up under his right arm, and the school bus full of kids held above his head in his left.
SUPERMAN: –And you should take these busses in for twice-yearly checkups! Thank goodness I was able to hear your cries for help, otherwise you’d have fallen off the overpass!
BUS DRIVER: Yeah, you always hear us. You can’t help it, man.
SUPERMAN: Right. Well, as soon as I drop you off at a mechanic–
MUGGER: Can you just get me to the police station, please? This rope is giving me a rash. I think I’m allergic to it.
SUPERMAN: Right, yes, of course, then I’m going to drop all of you off at the jailhouse–
Superman hears someone else shouting for help.
SOMEONE ELSE SHOUTING FOR HELP: HEEELP! HE’S GOT MY BABY!
SUPERMAN: Seriously? I’ve still got to get to work!! It’s ... it’s already 8:50!
MOBSTER 1: You work?
SUPERMAN: Yeah, of course.
MOBSTER 2: I thought this was your job.
SUPERMAN: No, it’s an ... alter ego thing.
MOBSTER 1: For real?
SUPERMAN: Yeah, I-
And Superman hears yet more people in trouble.
MORE PEOPLE IN TROUBLE: Come here, Mr. Wiggles! Come down out of that tree, I’ve got some nice cat nip for you!
YET MORE, DIFFERENT PEOPLE IN TROUBLE: The bridge is out! The train’s gonna crash!
SUPERMAN: Oh for Pete’s sake!
Ten minutes later, Superman flies through the air with the mugger, three mobsters, bank robber, and baby snatcher under his right arm. In his left is the train car, with the school bus stacked on top of it, full of kids. Mr. Wiggles sits upon his head.
SUPERMAN: OK! I’ll take the criminals to the jailhouse, the school bus to the mechanic–
BUS DRIVER: These kids need to get to school.
SUPERMAN: Right, ok, so the kids to school, then the school bus to a mechanic, then the train to Gotham, then Mr. Wiggles back to his owner.
BANK ROBBER: Dude, you should get an assistant.
BUS DRIVER: Yeah, someone to look out for all this schedule stuff for you. You’re real busy, what with this and work.
SUPERMAN: Work! That’s right, crap! I’ve got to call Lois. Everyone be quiet for a sec!
Superman switches the villains to his left arm and pulls a cell phone out from his underwear. He dials and balances it between the side of this head and his shoulder.
SUPERMAN: ...Hey! Lois! It’s Cl- umm ... yeah, listen, I’m running late.... No, uh, it’s just real windy here ... I’m on top of a building. LISTEN, I’m running late, can you cover for me at the writers’ meeting? Yeah, I’m pitching that story about Luthor – do NOT take the credit for this one again! Lois! This is MY story. –Lois!
Superman hangs up and puts the phone back in his underwear.
SUPERMAN: OK! No more distractions! You guys are going to jail, you kids are going to school, you’re going to a mechanic, you’re going to Gotham, and you’re going back to your owner, Mr. Wig–
SOMEONE ELSE, SOMEWHERE IN THE CITY: Get back! I have a knife, I’ll defend myself!
SUPERMAN: OH COME ON!
Five minutes later, Superman has added another criminal to his flying pile of emergencies.
SUPERMAN: That’s it! Jailhouse!
Superman zips down to the jailhouse and rids himself of the mugger, three mobsters, bank robber, baby snatcher, and the knife wielder, and flies off again.
Superman flies to the school and lets the kids off the bus.
Superman takes the school bus and bus driver to a mechanic.
Superman flies the train of passengers to Gotham, setting it down at the Gotham Rail Terminal.
SUPERMAN: Finally! Superman’s work for the morning is done. Now off to–
Superman’s phone rings. He answers.
SUPERMAN: Hello ... Perry! Hey, no, I’m on my way in now, shouldn’t be more than–
ANOTHER DISTRESSED CITIZEN: Please! Help! They’re kidnapping me!
SUPERMAN: SON OF A BI – No, not you, Perry! Be there in a minute!
Superman flies down, beats up the kidnappers, and flies the victim to safety.
VICTIM: Thank you, Superman! How can I ever repay you–
SUPERMAN: No time, just stop getting into trouble! Seriously, just stay out of dark alleys, is that hard for you?!
Superman sees a phone booth and dashes into it. In the middle of changing, he hears...
VICTIM: Who’d have thought there’d be a mugger down THIS dark alley as well? Stop brandishing that menacing knife at me! Aaaah!
SUPERMAN: Nope. Good luck, lady.
Clark Kent emerges from the phone booth, ready to go to work. An old woman approaches him.
OLD WOMAN: Sir, there’s a cat on your head. –Mr. Wiggles! I thought that mean old Superman stole you away from me! Thank you, sir!
Image courtesy of ADB Designs