A lot of people (myself included) wish our world had superheroes. Here’s an extended look at why that is a terrible idea.
Weekend of 3/2/12
4:30 PM, Friday
A break-in was reported in an apartment at 573 Washington Ave. The door was unopened, the lock intact, and the bars over the windows were not tampered with. Police are still tracking down possible leads. Please call tip line with any help you can offer.
7:45 PM, Friday
Lieberman’s Jewelry was broken into by a man wearing a robot costume, one Frank Tellerman. He was yelling “now begins the age of the Claw” and grasping his hands in the air madly. Tellerman is an ex-convict with a long history of mental instability and delusional behavior. Amazing-Man arrived on the scene before Tellerman left the store and promptly put him out. Tellerman is now in custody. Lieberman’s Jewelry is undergoing repairs funded from the city’s SuperCrimes fund, which will be reimbursed by Tellerman’s legal fund. This newspaper thanks Amazing-Man for stopping The Claw’s criminal career before it could begin.
9:10 PM, Friday
Shots were fired in City Square from an unknown shooter atop City Hall. Police inside City Hall rushed to the top of the building to find no one there, only a large burn mark on the ground where the shots were believed to be fired from. No one was injured, and police are unsure who the target was. Please call the tip line with any leads.
2:15 AM, Saturday
The Left Hand Gang took advantage of a meteorological anomaly Saturday morning after a bolt of lightning on a cloudless night struck an armored pay truck in the middle of its nightly rounds. The armed guards were quickly overpowered and the Left Hands made away with over two million dollars. Before blacking out, one of the guards claims he saw a floating man high in the sky. Police suspect Thundero. Amazing-Man has been alerted.
4:20 AM, Saturday
A mugging occurred in Jackson Park. Three attackers set upon a 27-year-old female resident of the Layton Park neighborhood. The made away with her purse, jewelry, and a prototype electricity generator she was taking home from her job at Quantum Labs. The victim was frantic, demanding we get the generator back.
6:00 AM, Saturday
Police found the wall of a cell in overnight lock up in the city holding cells demolished early Saturday morning, with its occupant released. They refuse to confirm the escapee, but anonymous witnesses suspected it to be Frank Tellerman, AKA The Claw.
9:30 AM, Saturday
City scientists are still trying to determine the cause of what appeared to be a temporal electricity rift opening above Arthur Avenue in Midtown. Eye-witnesses claimed to see the head of some otherworldly, sparking creature begin to appear through it, before Amazing-Man flew in to punch it back to the netherworld that spawned it. He quickly closed the rift with one of his science gadgets, but flew off before police scientists could get a look at his amazing futuristic technology that would probably have benefited the city immensely. He looked extremely worried.
10:15 AM, Saturday
The Left Hand Gang staged a riot at the Second Street Markets. An estimated 500 vandals tore through the scene, upending kiosks and carts, attacking citizens, and destroying private and public property. Police at the scene were overwhelmed, and the Markets were too damaged to remain open once reinforcements arrived to put the riot down. It was clearly a job for Amazing-Man, who was nowhere to be seen. The Markets expect to be closed for the week due to repairs.
10:30 AM, Saturday
Frank Tellerman, AKA The Claw, appeared in a flash of light beside the mayor at his press conference, wearing a costume drastically different from the one he was seen in the night before. He seemed to be actually grafted to a terrifyingly robotic costume, yellow light arced from his eyes, and his hands looked to be replaced with actual claws. He opened his mouth, but only the sound of audio feedback emerged until he was finally able to squawk out, “THE CLAAAAAW!” He grasped the mayor’s neck with a claw, and the two suddenly disappeared in another flash of light. Please call the tip line with any leads.
12:00 PM, Saturday
Another temporal electricity rift opened over Mulligan Street, out of which began pouring thousands of electric Thunder Men, Thundero behind them all. As they took to the street, looting, maiming, and killing, Amazing-Man flew in top put a stop to Thundero’s grand plan. The improved Claw lurched forward on shaky, automaton legs to stop him. Witnesses claim he squawked out, “HELP ME” before Amazing-Man punched him across the city. Thundero and Amazing-Man proceeded to fight, but Amazing-Man was quickly overwhelmed when the hideous, otherworldly beast from earlier Saturday morning emerged through the rift once again. Thundero took the unconscious Amazing-Man through the rift and closed while the shocking Thunder Men continued to ravage Mulligan Street. When they finally were put down by the specially-commissioned Thundero Police Unit, dozens of lives and millions of dollars in property damage had been lost. A ten block radius has been shut down, no one in or out except for emergency personnel, for the foreseeable future.
8:00 PM, Saturday
An attempted mugging in the 800 block of the Sun Days Projects turned into a double-homicide when a teenage amateur vigilante attempted to intervene. Police are searching for suspects; please call tip line with any leads.
9:00 PM, Saturday
A break in was reported at 796 South Main Street. Appliances, jewelry, and cash were taken.
9:30 PM, Saturday
With no Amazing-Man to stop them and police and emergency services occupied at the Second Street Markets and the disaster on Mulligan Street, the city’s criminals began to fully unleash a wave of crime. In the two hour block from 7:30 to 9:30 Saturday night, eleven muggings, fifteen B&E’s, seven beatings, four hit and runs, and twelve murders occurred.
11:00 PM, Saturday
Televisions, computers, and smart phones city-wide were hijacked by Thundero for a broadcast from his secret headquarters. He made plain that Amazing-Man was his amazing hostage, and the tide of crime would continue until the city was made his own. The mayor was given four hours to comply until Thundero’s great infernal powerbeast from the Electric Dimension was unleashed upon City Hall.
2:45 AM, Sunday
The mayor released a video message from his City Hall office, saying that Amazing City would follow the example set by Amazing-Man, indisposed as he was, and never bow to those that would use fear to rule.
3:00 AM, Sunday
City Hall and all its occupants were destroyed and obliterated by the final unleashing of Thundero’s pet, now dubbed the ElectroHound. When the entire city block had been laid to waste, Thundero finally appeared with his army of Thunder Men and an incapacitated Amazing-Man hovering above him, bound in electric chains. Thundero proclaimed Amazing-City "Thundertropolis," and was in the middle of issuing his first commands when a robotic pincer reached up from behind him and snapped his neck. As he collapsed, his Thunder Men and the ElectroHound dissipated, and Amazing-Man was released from his hold. It was revealed that former villain The Claw had fought against Thundero’s seemingly irreversible mind-control and redeemed himself.
12:00 PM, Sunday
A small protest was quickly dissipated by police at City Park, where a ceremony was taking place to hand Amazing-Man the key to the city once again. The Claw was present and seemed angry, and took the microphone to rant about the city’s lack of gratitude, and that they hadn’t heard the last of him, or something. He vanished, and everyone thought it was best to just let him go work out whatever it was he needed to on his own.
Alternate-side rules are in effect for parking on city streets not destroyed by Thundero or last week’s invasion by the Malevolent Mountain Merlocks. Once again, the city’s SuperCrimes fund has been exhausted. If you feel you can give back to this city that you continue to decide to live in for some reason, please donate and donate often.
Looking forward, ACPD predicts an attack by the Zerblonians of Targon 5, as it has been a number of years since Amazing-Man stopped their last invasion. Please make sure your gas masks are in working condition.
Image courtesy of ADB Designs