Hey, good to be here guys, thanks for having me! How’s everyone doing today? Good? This guy’s doing good [points in the crowd], I can tell. Where you from, buddy, where do you lay your head- here? Oh, you’re from New York? Me too, I’m- oh, like, right here? I... ok. Sorry, I didn’t realize this stoop was yours. Listen, just wash that cardboard off, I wasn’t running around in mud or anything.... It’ll still be a good pillow, just give it a scrub.
But hey, moving on! Man, it’s tough out there today! But I don’t need to tell you guys, that’s what you’re all about. I was at my day job the other day- I’m a dog walker, it’s not a bad job, but you’ve got to take a lot of crap! HO! ...right? But work’s... work’s tough. How ‘bout you guy, where do you work? Your job? Y’know, how do you earn your money- oh. Well... yeah, I guess you wouldn’t.
Like I said, though, it’s tough out there! Trying to earn enough scratch just to get by, especially for a comic, it ain’t easy. I’ve got to choose sometimes between a Metrocard and groceries for the week! I know! I know! I knew you guys would understand me. It ain’t right! But thank god for places like McDonald’s- cheap, quick, and easy, righ- OW! What the hell?! Who threw that?!
Alright, alright... Yeah, it’s tough, and I’ve been struggling just to make the ends meet. Just last week, I had to take out a little loan from the Bank of the Pare- OW! Seriously! It’s just a bank joke about- STOP IT! WHAT THE HELL! MY PARENTS! THE BANK OF MY PARENTS! JESUS! Ohh, sure, NOW you laugh. ...Yeah, called up the Bank of the Parents, took out a loan. You see, my dad is the CEO at- SON OF A BITCH!! STOP THROWING- OW! FINE!
Politics! Hey, that’s something we can all agree on, yeah? Politics, politicians. First of all, they suck! Who’s with me! Yeah! Politicians are- yeah, ok, just- guys, I’m the one standing up here, not- it’s kind of rude to chant during the set, can you wait till I’m... alright, just don’t... I’ll wait.
Oh, you’re done? Awesome. So yeah, the politicians suck, but like I was GOING to say, thank goodness we’ve got ‘em. I know I wouldn’t want to be the one up there! Thankless job, thankless job... kind of like this one. I’m going to kill my agent.... But god bless that ol’ democratic system, right? I love that my voice is being heard at the highest levels of- no, I’m serious, I really believe in the democratic- guys, I’m not being sarcastic. That’s not the joke... son of a bitch.
My roommate! Man, my roommate is just the WORST. He never showers! I always know when he’s home before I even get to my floor in my building, I can smell him from the stairs! He- no, I don’t think he’s aware of the- what’d you call it? Commercialized human scentocracy? What? No, he just doesn’t wear deodorant, rarely bathes... I don’t think it’s a choice, guys, or at least a conscious one, he’s just lazy... Please don’t let him hear you saying this stuff, he doesn’t need to be encouraged. Speaking of which- sniff- is he here? HEY! RIGHT? HEYYO- whoa, the fuck?! Stop throwing stuff at me! Yeah, well, I’m the one with bullhorn now! I’m the one in charge! I’M THE ONE PERCENT, YOU DIRTY BASTARDS! YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE UP HERE! GO GET SOME JOBS, YOU PEACENIK LONGHAIR FUCKI- GAAAAAH!!
Officer! Officer! Where’s the pepper spray guy when you need him?!